Monday, August 2, 2010

why i'll never complain about fog again

part one:
early morning. driving the long distance to meet my brother and sister, where we continued on to our mother's. today is the day we'll look for her new home. we have brochures of palm terrace and lake forest. we each have our own reactions, my sister is grumpy, my brother is quiet, and i can't stop playing pictures in my head of us, our lives. and i'm not really looking at what the kind director is saying or pointing out to us. this doesn't fit.

part two:
the heat, the fire
mid afternoon and the long drive home looms. didn't eat yet today and i'm sorry now since my energy is low and i've hours to go. but i don't care, i just want to get home. bye sister, bye brother, our bond is familiar, comforting, painful.

flashing traffic signs bring me to the present. FIRE. a brush fire at calabasas. that is miles away and the speed i was already traveling at was less than ten miles per hour. it's going to be a lot longer drive than i imagined.

a million thoughts later, i creep by the fire. two lanes have been blocked to allow for the many emergency vehicles. the fire came down to the road.

part three:
why i'll never complain about fog again.
sitting in nearly ninety degree heat, feeling trapped and worried while in the fire zone, i laughed at myself. i have been over the fog for weeks now. begging the sun to appear.

i thought the sun was my home. but here, the fog felt familiar. welcoming.

the sun is my home, but the fog is too. and i think maybe the fog is even keeping wildfires from spreading around these drying hills.

part four:
my home is in me.
my mom will be at home where ever she is because she'll always have herself and us in her. it has to be so. and once i thought all this on the long drive home i realized i was suddenly starving.

♥ lori


  1. Hello there! So many emotions, I could relate to each. Especially the familiar sibling ambivalence thing. So true ... your mother is in you and you in her ... no matter what! We are in the height of fire season here on the high desert too!

  2. Oh Lori, I read this and thought the same! Good you have had your blessed fog, keeping the hills moist, at least a little. Driving to your mom will always be hurtful (it was for me,too), but as you said, she will never be alone. She will now live more or less in her memories, not much you can add but sometimes showing her you are there helps.
    Back to the fires - keep away from them!! Or jump into the ocean!
    Thinking of you constantly! Geli

  3. what a wonderful weaving of that connection between the chaotic weather of southern cal and your emotions -- fog, fire, sun, mist, cold, dry........reflecting sadness, confusion, worry (not to forget hunger!) a really beautiful piece.

    what a wise statement lori - your home is in you, yes, and your mom's home is in her. no matter what you and your sibs decide, it will be good.

    sending love my friend xoxo ♡

  4. Hi Helen,
    thank you so much! oh i love my brother and sister so much sometimes it hurts. Especially when i want only everything to be good for them, always.


    and on top of all that i felt terribly guilty sweating miserably while stuck in the traffic fire heat, but look at all the poor firemen.
    it is so helpful to me to know you know what i'm feeling with my mom. you and your words mean the world to me.


    thank you so much. I'm so glad you understood what i was trying to say, sorting out so many emotions...feelings...i really really appreciate your words. And it's true, we have been so unpredictable weather wise!

  5. I love this

    my home is in me.
    my mom will be at home where ever she is because she'll always have herself and us in her. it has to be so. and once i thought all this on the long drive home i realized i was suddenly starving.

    be safe

  6. What this post says to me is you have a sense of place.

    You know who you are and you speak from your heart, always.

    I know you and your family are strong together and mom will be in good hands. You would see to nothing less.

    The longer drive gave you extra time to sit with yourself and go within. In the bigger picture, you realized it's okay to let the fog embrace you after driving past the ashes of 'what was.'

    You are a keen observer and lover of life. I'm so glad I'm getting to know you ;)


  7. Lori, it sounds like a rough day. I know, and I can relate with the family stuff. So many emotions.
    Love the fog, love the sun, love your life. Big hugs. xoxo

  8. Oh Lori I can feel your pain as I understand the time you are experiencing.
    It is true that home is where the heart lives and the heart lives inside of you.

    I don't understand fog in summer as that's not something that I have ever experienced. I love the photos... they look beautiful.
    Bushfires I do understand, especially in Summer :(

    I didn't know that you have a brother. It's nice that there are three of you to share this time.

    take care of your heart
    love to you
    x Robyn

    PS... it's okay to complain about the fog... I think that would drive me nuts after too long.
    I do like the idea though that it might be preventing fires :)

  9. Oh my, you are going through a lot of adjustments. Best of luck to all of you for the decision you must make and the support you need to give each other. You will always have your mom by your side, and she will have you by her side. We are only as far as our hearts are willing to distance themeselves.

    Yes, bless the fog and the cool breezes.

  10. Hugs...what in intense time. Sibling relationships are so multifaceted...I'm trying to heal one right now. Lots of love to you!

  11. Bhavana,
    always, i'll try my best, i was prepared to run from that fire if i had to! Thank you for such kind words.


    that was beautiful and so much appreciated. I don't know if i'm those things, but i want to believe it. You are a true sweetheart. thank you.


    yes, i know you do relate, and understand. How come these days (the rough ones) seem to have so many more hours than others? i really appreciate your words, thank you so much.


    Honestly i never thought i'd feel this way about the fog, it's been relentless. But feeling so trapped and hot (and scared) i wanted to hug it when i got away from the fire area and back to the beach.
    I am the oldest, my sister and brother are 2 and 5 years younger than me. i am the boss. (heehee,not really, my sister Lindy is a thousand times more competent than me). thank you for all your kind words my sweet friend.


    i really like that, we are only as far away as our hearts distance ourselves. I'll keep that in my head, and heart. thank you.


    Thank you so much for the hug. I'm hoping for you that you do (heal). I don't know what i'd do if my sister or brother and i weren't talking. I NEED them. They are both incredible people.

  12. I am glad you three went together at least. I am wondering if your siblings are as beautiful as you?If so, then your Mama has done done a pearler of a job. I understand that it is a rough journey for all of you.

    Sending love as always.xx♥

  13. This is so beautiful. I am moving this month and looking for a place, so the concept of "home" has really stuck out to me lately. It's hard to carry that idea of home with me since I rely on so many exterior factors... but your post made me realize that I will make my home wherever because I am capable of doing so.

    Fantastic post. And fire in Southern California always makes my heart and my throat hurt - it makes me so sad.

  14. My what a day with so much emotions.....
    Sometimes you need an eye opener like this to feel blessed again. We know we are but sometimes we need to be reminded.....
    Take care rest from all these emotions and enjoy that damp air ;)


  15. my dearest friend, there is so much i want to say and it is too late for me tonight, so i will just say how honored and proud i always am of who you are. you are an amazing wonderful person, lori.

    i will be back. in fact, if you don't mind, i'm thinking i will not be leaving...


  16. Natsy,
    oh I don't know what i'd do without Lindy and Michael, they are without a doubt the way to get through this. And i do believe they are both the kindest, most caring people i know. So i think your right, my Mom is awesome!


    thank you sweetie, and good luck. If only we were like turtles and carried our homes on our backs. I know you'll find the right place.


    i'll do just that this coming weekend! i'm really looking forward to it (resting). But always counting blessings in between. thank you.


    you've helped me so much, talking and sharing about your mom. Thank you for being such a good friend, and please don't do anysuch thing! have fun in Ptown, say hi to Mary for me okay?!
    lots of love.

  17. Wow, what a cool post!
    It's funny sometimes what it is that makes us realize that everything in life has it's justification. Even fog.
    And also funny how a long drive on an empty stomach can help us realize many of those life lessons, isn't it.

  18. I am so looking forward to coming to america and seeing all the fog, but looks like my trip is being put back to next year.

  19. Hi Lori, it's strange how fog can clear a headful of thoughts and worries and then wrap around as if it were a comfort blanket*!*

  20. Lori,
    What an intensly, moving piece of writing. You captured the inner turmoil and conflict of a "child" transitioning to "parenting" their parent. Memories of how they WERE collide with the reality of how they ARE now. So much to process; so much to handle - making sure Mom has the quality of life and care she deserves and that you want for her. In the darkest days of my mom's illness, my greatest comfort was my sisters and brother. My mom used to tell us that the greatest gift she ever gave us was one another - and she was right. I am so happy that you have yours to help shoulder all that you are coping with.

    And it seems that you have made peace with the most important point of all ... letting go of that over which you have no control. Hugs to you sweet Lori.

  21. Welcome home!

    Home is where the love lives. It's a good place to be.

    I'm still on the road but I'm taking home with me. Peace.

  22. 'my home is in me.
    my mom will be at home where ever she is because she'll always have herself and us in her'

    ah, lori, to me there is something so true and so comforting and so sad, all at the same time. your words are so clear.

    there are so many metaphors in this post: fog as protection being my favorite. what covers also protects.

    still, i am wishing you sunlight. that is hard to go without the sun. you know where i am and i wonder how i will see things three weeks from now.

    ps. i'm not going anywhere, friend!

  23. That was lovely to read - you have explained all those complex emotions with poetry. The weather, the fire, the living in oneself with the love of family. I hope everything will turn out well for your mother and all of you.


xoxo lori